Tragedy In My Marriage My Story.

Tragedy In My Marriage

My Story.

My wife and I were deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

Tragedy

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

You?

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? An affair? Neglect? Or maybe you can't put your finger on why things aren't right anymore. That's common too.

Hate

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Trying

Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn't want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn't. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn't. Sometimes we tried together. We went through different stages of "trying."

Failing

What did we try? We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to counseling to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

Worse

All the advice we got (books, counselors...whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

Convince

As long as the usual methods weren't working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other. You tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn't work.

Yes!

Finally, we had a breakthrough. We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn't talk about them at all. We didn't bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. 

We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

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